Ok, before you read this, you’re gonna wanna take a nice slow deep breath. You certainly should be sitting down and for your own safety, don’t be eating or drinking anything as you scroll. Ready?
Right now, this very second, as I type this… I have no internet. That’s right. NO INTERNET ACCESS. And not for just right now, but for the next 24 HOURS!! How!? How I ask you, in this day and age, does one go without the internet for a full day?
The trouble started when I woke up from my 2pm nap. It was about 5PM and a nice time to play some games on my Kindle Fire before I actually got out of bed, I thought. I rolled over and there she was. Lying on the bed, looking all black and sleek-y and giving me that “come hither” look. What can I say, my Kindle Fire’s a whore. She needs no warming up, so I just turn her on and she comes to life. I swipe right by the opening ad and go right to my favorite word game, Ruzzle. I watch as the little arrow goes round and round… and round… and round… and suddenly I’m back to the carousel where you choose what you want to do. I select Ruzzle again, thinking it’s just being sensitive, but no, it doesn’t open. Then I look to the top of the screen and there it is. The three concave lines with a red “X” through it. No internet signal!
Don’t panic, I think. It could just be the Kindle needing to be reset. So I open up the “Wireless” tab and there’s my Wi-Fi connection listed first, in range. I click connect and wait. I see “Authorizing…” come up and I’m relieved, it WAS just my whore of a Kindle playing a joke on me. But then, the dreaded “Authorization failed” comes up. And I know I’m in trouble.
I get out of bed finally and go to the room where the modem is. All the lights are on, but apparently the internet is not home. I go right for the jugular on this ‘cause I’m not messing around. I unplug everything from everything and I wait 2 full minutes. I hear the Jeopardy music in the background. I reconnect everything, making sure connections are tight, right and outtasight. One by one, the lights on the box light up. Plink! Plink! Plink! But the internet light gets skipped. It doesn’t light up. This is no good. I do it all once more but I admit to myself I have to call in reinforcements. Hello, Comcast?
It doesn’t take long at all to be connected to a real live person. However, although he says his name is “John”, I can clearly tell he’s in a call center deep in the heart of Bombay! But hey, I’m not judging, if he can get my internet back up and running, he can be in a jail cell somewhere for all I care. (Though I supposed it would not make much sense to be giving a convicted criminal my personal information, huh?). So “John” and I go through all the options, We unhook and hook back up, we remove the battery, we reset again. He sends several refresh signals. But it’s no good. The same thing happens every time. All the lights come on except the “online” light. A panic starts to come over me, first churling in my stomach, then slowly making it’s way through my bloodstream and into my heart and then my throat and I want to scream as I hear “John” telling me that the next technician opening is between the hours of 6 and 7PM tomorrow. TOMORROW!
The next thing I say is not like me at all, but we’re talking about the internet here. So I say to “John”… “Yeah, that’s not acceptable”. But really, who am I kidding? We all know that my friend “John” here has the upper hand. As unacceptable as it might be to me, he’s just going to continue reading off his script, pausing when he needs to personalize, and he’s not going to tell me anything different.
And so here I am as hour number TWO starts to pass. I’m getting a little restless. My mind is starting to wander. It seems as though my brain can no longer function unless distracted by a constant barrage of information via the internet. This MSOffice program has no ads on the side bars. There are no scrolling news headlines under my toolbar. In fact, it’s all just black and white. Words on a screen. I’ve clasped my hands together between writing sentences, pretending to myself that I’m cracking my knuckles, but really, I’m praying for a miracle.
I need a miracle that will suddenly get my internet connection running. Doesn’t God know that there are very important things happening around the globe and I’m completely out of the loop? What if some celebrity couple leaks news of a marriage or divorce? What if some athlete is arrested for murder (Oh Aaron, how could you?)? And what about all the cats that are doing funny, un-catlike things? And dogs doing stupid dog things? I mean, there could actually be footage playing RIGHT NOW of a kitten snuggling with a giant dog AND I’M MISSING IT!
OMG! I just realized I haven’t even thought of “social media” yet! What about all my friends posting about what they did today? How can I “Like” a picture of my friends’ grandkids playing in the pool without the internet? What if I miss out on re-posting a diatribe against animal cruelty to prove that I too, am against it? It doesn’t matter if these posts make no sense because really, are there people out there that are “for” animal cruelty and if there are, will my friends think I’m one of them because I didn’t repost? And what about… OH. MY. GOD. How am I going to find out where Kathy and family are having dinner??? And what if she posts a pic of the meal? How can I “like”? How can I comment?? Why, God? Why did you take away my internet?????
As hour three approaches, and I read back over this, I’m hit with a fresh burst of sadness because I realize I’ve written it in present tense… but I won’t be able to post it for another 21 hours! My life’s a living hell, I tell ya.