Sunday, September 1, 2013

How to give a cat medicine

The real title should be "How to Give a 5 Pound Emaciated Cat .5 ml of Liquid Medicine".

If you know me, you know I love animals. I have four cats, two of which are not my fault (thanks a lot Rick!). One of the older ones is Pieces. Yes, a strange name unless you mention his sister, Bitz. Get it? Huh? Bitz & Pieces?..  I know - corny - but it fits them.

Anyway, for a few years now, Pieces has been sickly and looks like he suffers from anorexia, but he eats like a horse and is crazy for people food. I took him to the vets last week because he just looked like such a sorry sight and he seemed to be having a lot of... well.. let's say bowel troubles.

He was diagnosed with IBS and the Vet gave me a liquid medicine to give him. I will now give step by step instructions on how to administer such medication:

Approach your cat in a friendly, non-aggressive manor. Pick him up while murmuring sweet nothings into his ear, all the while petting him gently. Keep him as calm as possible. Bring him into the kitchen (assuming you are giving him his medication and food there) and set him down. Go to the refrigerator and get the medicine. Shake it well and return to the cat.

Find the cat again. Realize now that Step 1 should have been to prepare the medicine first. Do that, then look for the cat in all his favorite hiding and sleeping spaces. Call him, cajole him, shake a treat box or run the can opener - this is no time to be proud, you've got to find him and give him his medicine. After looking everywhere, return to the kitchen only to find him sitting on the counter wondering where you've been.

Calm the cat again. Pet him, whisper to him and "give him lovins" til his eyes are barely open and his purring is loud enough to wake the baby, if you had one.

While holding the cat, gently turn him over in your arms so that you are holding him like the sweet 'lil baby that he is.  As you cradle him to your chest, slowly reach for the syringe of medication and bring it to your cats mouth.

Grab the white vinegar because that blood is gonna stain. Here are some tips:  Blood Removal

Repeat Steps 2 and 3.

Realize your cat is no longer a sweet lil baby but has transformed into a ferociously wild 5 pound Siberian Tiger and it's time to get serious. Grab the little bastard and flip him upside down. Squish all his legs together between your chest and arm and again approach him with the syringe.

Don't worry, facial scars are "in". As you dab up the blood, consider sending your cat away to the circus as a contortionist because there is no way a cat is supposed to be able to move like that.

Screw steps 1 through 4. Hunt the little devil down, bring him to the kitchen counter and wrap him entirely in a towel. Let him squiggle out that cute little pink nose and aim somewhere below that with the syringe. Plunge the medicine into his general mouth-ital region and hope for the best.

STEP 10:
Release the now howling beast and have a drink cuz you're gonna need it. The medicine needs to be given twice a day.

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